How to Be a Good Lover: Yes, You Can Learn

Amazing lovers are made, not born.

The reality is, amazing lovers are not automatically born into amazing-lover status. Someone taught them how to touch, kiss, lick, grab, and hold. Every day I have conversations with people, clients and friends alike, who are concerned about their performance in bed. "Am I doing it right? How will I know they like it? How will I know if I need to use more pressure or less?" I always tell people: you don't really know unless you ask.

So we learn how to be a good lover, and one way to get there is by having someone show us, tell us, and guide us. This can happen with one lover, five lovers, or 100 lovers. The number of lovers matters far less than how comfortable and connected you feel with this person.

A large part of this is communication. To be a good lover, you must be able to be vocal: talk before, during, and after about what felt good, bad, and uncomfortable. Talk from a place of asking for what you need, and share when you feel lost, disconnected, or confused. Also, learn to be vocal when something feels good, by making sexy sounds that let your partner know you like what is happening to you or you like what you're doing to them.

Realize that everyone's body is unique. Learning one person's body means that you now know that body, and when you are with a new person, you'll need to learn that new person's body.

Let's take one of the questions I often get asked: "What do I do with his balls?" That's a great question, and I most likely haven't slept with the person you are asking me about, so I can't really tell you what he likes. Only he can. So ask. You can phrase it something like this: "Mmmmmmmm, I really like the way your balls look. I want to touch them. Do you have a particular way you like your balls to be touched?" If he isn't sure, and he's up for it, then you try some things: tickling, pulling, gently stroking, teasing, pressure. Be creative and not afraid to make mistakes. Making a mistake is actually a fantastic way to learn how to do something more pleasurably the next time around. It would be hard to pick men out of a lineup and know how they like their balls touched. And something to remember: some men don't like their balls touched at all. Yet you will not know this if you do not accept that you don't know everything about this person's body and you must ask to find out.

A few easy things to say

If asking feels awkward, borrow one of these. None of them require you to have the answer.

• "Show me how you like it."
• "More, less, or just right?"
• "Can I try something? Tell me if it's not for you."
• "I'm a little lost. Guide my hand?"
• Afterward: "What was your favorite part?"

Last thing: don't expect to get it right in one try. Learning to master something takes practice, and often lots of it. When you find a fun sexual partner who is teaching you things, soak up all you can from them and enjoy the learning process. Go back for seconds, thirds, indulge and have fun!

Let yourself off the hook if you feel anxious about not being "skilled enough." Remember, every good lover once started in the same position you are in and decided to dive straight in and get messy, and hopefully really wet.

Happy loving,
– Keeley

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.