Let's Rebrand Foreplay

Let's do it! Right here, right now, let's forever change what we refer to as "foreplay" to something else. Let's rebrand foreplay to more accurately represent these sex acts for what they are. First off, it's all play. Sex is, at its finest, adult play. It is how we adults have a good time, let off steam, and connect.

All sex acts are awesome. It is not that some are better than others. Although some might bring you to orgasm faster or in a stronger way, that shouldn't detract from the acts that don't. There is tons of juiciness in kissing your partner's back, or squeezing their ass, or licking slowly up their collarbone to their jawline. Let's stop rating sex acts as some being better or more "real" than others.

My other problem with the word foreplay is the "fore." People seem to think that these things happen before, and only before, penetration. These things can happen at any point during sexual play. You can engage in all sorts of yummy playtime after both people have had one or two orgasms. Who says that all the fun has to stop just because of a few orgasms?

I often help people let themselves out of the small box society has put sexual fulfillment into. Through these experiences, I have found that many people frequently skip over a lot of the good stuff to get to the orgasm. They are so crazy trying to chase the orgasm, they forget that the person they love, or at least enjoy enough to play closely with, is right in front of them. You get to do anything you want with this person, so let yourself indulge. (Assuming your partner is into it and will speak up when they are not okay with something.)

The major sex acts that get thrown into the foreplay category are oral sex and hand jobs/fingering. These incredibly fun, sexy, and stimulating acts can happen anywhere in the play. They do not have to happen strictly before penetration.

I have an idea of where things got so confusing for folks: people started talking about warming up the body. Many women need time to get turned on to the point where their body is ready for penetration, often longer than people expect. I have found that most men (especially over the age of 30) need some time to get turned on as well. This idea that people's bodies need time to arrive, and that high arousal takes time to build, is something to be respected. And high states of sexual arousal can happen through any of these activities.

Next time you are getting down with your partner, see if you can put all the sex acts on the table. Allow for mouths and hands to wander, and as they do… let yourself be in the moment sensing, licking, taking in all that is being offered to you. All sex acts are amazing, although not necessarily equal. It's about damn time we rebrand this foreplay idea.

If the sex you are having is anything other than play, see what you can do to allow for more flexibility, openness, and creativity to flow between you and your partner.

Try this

Next time, if your partner's up for it, agree that whatever is usually your "main event" is off the menu for the first half hour, or for the whole night. Everything else is on the table. Either of you can say "slower," "more of that," or "let's stop" at any point. Afterward, ask each other: "What would you have skipped right past if we'd been rushing?"

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.