Premature Ejaculation: What You Can Practice at Home

Most men who find me have already tried the internet. They've read the lists of home remedies, bought the spray, done the kegels, thought about baseball. And they're still finishing sooner than they want to.

So let's start somewhere else: with what you can actually practice, on your own, this week.

One thing first. I'm a coach, not a doctor. What I teach is a skill: feeling more arousal with less anxiety. It isn't medical treatment. If finishing early started suddenly, comes with pain or urinary symptoms, showed up alongside trouble getting hard, or began after a change in medication, see a doctor before anything else.

Even one second counts

The pressure to fix this fast is part of what keeps it going. So I tell the men I work with: a one-second improvement is an improvement.

That isn't a pep talk. When you stop measuring yourself against a stopwatch, your body has room to relax. And relaxing is the skill.

For many men, practice changes things within a few months. Some need longer. Both are normal.

What's happening when you finish too soon

I've been working with men on this since 2010, and the pattern I see most often is simple. As arousal rises, anxiety rises with it. The body tightens, the breath gets shallow, and the whole system races to the finish.

I teach men to track two things on a scale of 1 to 10: how aroused you are, and how anxious you are. The goal is to let arousal climb while anxiety stays low. I explain both scales, and where to aim on them, in my complete guide to premature ejaculation.

Practice 1: Breathe lower

When they're turned on, most men breathe high and fast, up in the chest. Try this with your clothes on and nothing at stake:

• Sit or lie down with one hand on your belly.
• Breathe in slowly and imagine the breath traveling down your body, past your belly, all the way to your pelvic floor.
• Let the exhale be long. Notice what softens.

Do it for five minutes a day. Then try it while you're aroused. It's harder there, which is the point.

Practice 2: Use kegels to find tension, not to clamp down

You've probably been told to strengthen your kegel muscle (the one you'd use to stop the flow of urine) so you can "hold it." I disagree. Most men I work with are already clenching. More tightening works against the relaxation that gives you control.

Use the muscle as a check instead:

• Tighten it on purpose for a second.
• Let it go completely.
• Notice the difference between the two.

Now you know what "clenched" feels like from the inside, and you can catch yourself doing it during sex.

Practice 3: Change how you masturbate

If you've always masturbated fast, quietly, just to get it done, your body has learned that pattern. That's not a character flaw. It's practice, and practice can be changed.

Try mindful masturbation. Slow down. Breathe low. Notice your arousal number as it rises. As you get close to the edge, don't white-knuckle it: soften your body, slow your breath, and see whether the arousal can spread out instead of rushing to the finish.

Some men find that masturbating mindfully a couple of hours before sex takes the edge off. Others find it just leaves them less interested. Notice which one you are.

Practice 4: Treat foreplay as sex, not the warm-up

How long penetration lasts is not how long sex lasts. Kissing, touch, hands, mouths, massage, teasing: all of it counts, and for many partners it's where most of the pleasure lives.

When penetration stops being the main event, the pressure drops. When the pressure drops, a lot of men last longer anyway.

If you have a partner, try saying this outside the bedroom: "I'd like to slow down and spend more time on everything before penetration. Would you be up for that? Tell me what you'd want more of." Their answer is the plan, and either of you can change it along the way.

Take care of the rest of you

Regular exercise, decent sleep, and a few minutes of meditation won't solve this on their own. They do lower your baseline stress, and a calmer body is easier to work with.

A few things that aren't true

• It only happens to young or inexperienced men. It can happen at any age, and some men develop it later in life.
• Viagra fixes it. Erection medications aren't a proven fix for PE, unless you also have trouble with erections. If you're curious about medication, talk to a doctor. I cover the common questions in Premature Ejaculation: Your Questions Answered.
• It's a life sentence. It isn't. This is a skill, and skills can be learned.

There are more in 5 Premature Ejaculation Myths Worth Letting Go.

If you want more support

Practicing alone works for a lot of men. Some prefer guidance. If that's you, I work one-on-one with men, and with couples who want to work on this together.

If finishing sooner than you want has become a worry, my PE Mastery video course takes you through the full practice, step by step and at your own pace.