Books About Sex and Intimacy I Actually Recommend

A good book can do something a session can't: it sits on your nightstand and waits for you.

These are the books I recommend most often, alongside my one-on-one work and The Sex Class. Some are about sex. Many aren't, at least not directly. They're about attention, kindness toward yourself, and how two people actually stay close. In my experience, that's where better sex starts.

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Where to start if you only read one

• You want to understand your own desire: Come as You Are.
• You're in a long relationship and the spark has dimmed: Mating in Captivity.
• You drift into your head during sex: Wherever You Go, There You Are.
• You're hard on yourself about your body: Radical Acceptance or Fierce Self-Compassion.
• You and your partner want different things in bed: Your Blueprint for Pleasure.

A small experiment: pick one book, read one chapter this week, and write down one sentence that surprised you. If you have a partner, read them that sentence and ask, "Does this sound like us?"

Mindfulness and self-awareness

Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
Short chapters on bringing your attention back to the present moment, written for people who have never meditated. I recommend it to anyone who notices they're thinking about the grocery list mid-kiss. Start anywhere; each chapter stands on its own.

Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana
A clear, practical guide to insight meditation: how to sit, what to do with your mind, and what to do when it wanders. It suits people who want instructions, not inspiration. Start with the chapters on what meditation is and isn't, then go straight to the practice.

The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer
A book about noticing the voice in your head and learning not to be run by it, especially when old pain comes up. It's a good fit if your inner commentary gets loud during intimacy. Read it from the beginning; the ideas build on each other.

The Experience of Insight by Joseph Goldstein
Teachings from a meditation retreat on mindfulness and Buddhist insight practice. This one is for people who already have some practice and want more depth. Read it slowly, a section at a time.

Tara Brach's talks and guided meditations
Honestly, anything from Tara. Her free talks and meditations are a gentle way into feeling your body instead of judging it. Start with this body-awareness practice.

Sexuality and pleasure

She Comes First by Ian Kerner
A guide to oral sex and pleasure centered on the clitoris, with clear anatomy and technique. It suits partners of women who want to understand her pleasure, and women who want words for what they like. Read the anatomy chapters before the technique, then ask your partner what she'd like to try (and check in as you go).

The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin
Morin uses people's peak sexual experiences and fantasies to show what really drives arousal, including why longing and obstacles can make desire stronger. It's for anyone curious about why they're turned on by what turns them on. Start with his invitation to look back at your own hottest moments. I wrote more about it here.

Your Blueprint for Pleasure by Jaiya
Jaiya describes five "erotic blueprint" types and how each one experiences pleasure differently. It's especially useful for couples whose turn-ons don't match. Start with the self-assessment, then compare results with your partner.

Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
Nagoski explains desire as a balance of accelerators and brakes, and why context matters so much. It's the book I'd hand any woman who has ever wondered whether she's "normal." Start with the chapters on the brakes and accelerators.

Vulvacious by Michal Cohen Simha
An invitation to approach female sexuality without shame, mixing personal stories with practical suggestions you can try at your own pace. It suits women who want permission as much as information. Start with whichever story feels closest to your own.

Sexual Healing by Barbara Keesling
Step-by-step touch and awareness exercises for common sexual difficulties, from arousal and orgasm to lasting longer. It's for individuals and couples who want a structured, at-home practice. Pick the chapter that matches your concern and do the exercises in order. If a problem is new, sudden or painful, see a doctor first.

The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling
A playful guide for women who want to let go of "good girl" rules and be more adventurous. It suits anyone who feels a little shy about asking for what she wants. Start with the chapter that makes you blush; that's usually the one.

Radical acceptance and self-compassion

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
Brach writes about meeting yourself with kindness instead of the constant feeling of not being enough. It's for anyone with a harsh inner critic, including about their body or their sex life. Start with the early chapters on unworthiness.

Fierce Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
Neff shows that self-compassion has two sides: comforting yourself, and standing up for yourself. It speaks especially to women who were taught to be nice before being honest. Start with her short self-compassion practices and try one daily for a week.

Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzberg
A guide to metta, the practice of deliberately wishing yourself and others well. It suits people who find it easier to be kind to everyone but themselves. Start with the phrases directed at yourself.

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf
A classic look at how beauty standards shape women's lives, including their sex lives. It's for any woman who has felt judged by her body in bed. Start with the chapter on sex.

Relationships and intimacy

Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood
This is the book that first led me to my teacher and mentor, John Welwood. It's about the old wound of feeling unloved, how relationships stir it up, and how to meet it with openness. Start at the beginning and read slowly. You can read my tribute to John here.

Seven Thousand Ways to Listen by Mark Nepo
Reflections on listening deeply, to the people we love and to our own lives. It suits couples who feel they talk a lot but don't feel heard. Try the reflection questions at the end of a chapter together.

How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo
Richo frames love around five things we all need: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. It's a grounded read for anyone who wants to love more maturely. Start with the five A's and ask yourself which one you most need right now.

Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin
Tatkin uses attachment and brain science to show couples how to protect each other and feel safe. It's practical and full of things to try. Start with his idea of the "couple bubble."

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
An accessible introduction to anxious, avoidant and secure attachment styles in adult relationships. It's useful whether you're dating or partnered. Start with the questionnaire to find your own style.

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
Perel explores the tension between security and desire in long relationships, and why the closeness we want can quiet the passion we also want. If your relationship is loving but not very sexy, read this. Start with the first chapters; they set up everything else.

I Don't: A Contrarian History of Marriage by Susan Squire
A lively history of marriage from the ancient world onward. It's for anyone who suspects our rules about marriage aren't as fixed as they seem. Read it front to back, like a story.

Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Marcus and Ashley Kusi
A short, practical book from a married couple about building emotional closeness and a stronger sexual connection. It suits busy couples who want something they can read together in a weekend. Start with the sections on emotional intimacy before the sexual ones.

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
The foundation of Imago therapy, about how childhood wounds show up in our partnerships. It includes a structured dialogue that helps partners actually hear each other. Try the dialogue exercise together, once you've both agreed to give it a go.

Trauma and healing

If trauma is part of your story, these books can be good companions. They are not a replacement for working with a licensed therapist.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
Walker writes for survivors of childhood trauma, with practical tools for emotional flashbacks and a harsh inner critic. It suits readers who recognize themselves in the idea of "surviving" rather than living. Start with the chapter on managing emotional flashbacks.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
A widely read look at how trauma lives in the body and at different approaches to recovery. It can be heavy, so read it in small pieces. Start with the parts on recovery if the early chapters feel like too much.

Reading alongside The Sex Class

Each of these books goes deeper on something I teach. If you want the practical, step-by-step version, it's all in The Sex Class. Read a chapter, try one thing, and notice what changes.

Every month I send a short list of films, books and music worth seeing through a sexier lens. Join Under the Covers.