Your First Sex Club: What to Know Before You Go

Going to a sex club for the first time can be exciting as well as nerve-wracking. Seeing people live (and not on-screen) delighting in the pleasures of the flesh can be hard to fully prepare for.

When I first started exploring the sex club and swinging world years ago, I definitely remember feeling anxious. Would I feel comfortable? Would I be able to say no? Would anyone want to play with me? Would I want to play with anyone?

Even today, after exploring many sex clubs all around the world, I still get a bit nervous before the big night. It's normal to be slightly anxious. But if you're overwhelmingly nervous or not properly prepared, your night may turn from "va-va-voom" to "no-no, home."

At a sex club, you can have the time of your life. But for that to happen, you need to educate and prepare yourself first.

Why I love the sex club

In a sex club, you have the freedom to explore anything you want. You can finally bring to life the fantasies you've only explored inside your head. Watching someone give a blow job. Touching, licking, and kissing lots of luscious-looking skin. Fucking in public while surrounded by others doing the same. Meeting another person to play with? Hey, you never know what might happen.

Of course, loving the idea of a sex club and actually going to one are two different things. I've found many people don't explore sex clubs for a few reasons.

First, they're not sure how to find one, or what to expect once they arrive. Second, they worry it'll be an all-out orgy, and if they're not into that, they'll be unable to say no. Third, they're not sure how to prepare themselves. Instead of having fun, they picture themselves cowering in a corner, hoping no one approaches them.

Here are the tips I give anyone heading to their first (or any) sex club.

Finding a venue

Depending on where you live, finding a venue may be one of the harder tasks. Thankfully, we have the internet. Swinging sites are great places to find clubs, parties, sex saunas and more.

Most sex clubs run different themed nights. This can be all types of fun, but choose a night based on your comfort level and interests. A theme night is also an opportunity to dress up in costume and maybe try on a different energy. Who are you in a mask?

Many clubs offer events geared toward newcomers, and some offer tours of the facility during off hours.

As a newcomer, you may be worried about seeing someone you know. Or about running into someone from the club at the supermarket. In that case, have you considered making plans to go somewhere outside your town or city?

Research

Every establishment works differently, so read the rules on your club's website before you go. Look closely at consent rules, dress codes, prices, and where you're allowed to have sex. Check whether the club serves food and drinks, has a drink minimum, or runs "couples only" nights. You don't want to show up by yourself to a couples night only to be turned away.

Pay attention to the house rules on phones and photos (at most clubs: none, ever), safer sex, and condoms. These rules are what make the space feel safe for everyone, including you.

Look at photos of the club, too. Are you going to enjoy the vibe once you arrive? Do they serve the kind of drinks you're into? The more mentally prepared you are, the easier it will be to find your way around the club.

Transportation and accommodation

Figure out how you're getting to and from the event, and where you'll stay after the night is over. If the sex club is far away, consider booking an Airbnb or a hotel to make the night a sexy little getaway! You'll probably be spent after the evening and won't want to "plan" what to do next. Taking care of this detail ahead of time lets you relish all the fun you had.

I also like to have a lot of prep time before the evening starts. If I plan to be at the venue at 10 pm, I might start getting ready around 3 or 4 pm. The more special I treat the day, the more comfortable and present I feel that night.

Discussing boundaries

Once you've worked out the logistics, figure out your personal "sexpectations" for the night. This conversation can range from very easy to extremely difficult.

If you're going with your partner(s), decide your boundaries together. Will it be a night for just the two of you, or do you plan to interact with other people? If you decide to involve new people, what sexual acts are you comfortable with, and what protection will you use?

This is your sexual game plan, so make sure you're comfortable and that you and your partner(s) are on the same page.

Dressing up

I love spending time on myself and getting glammed up before an event, especially one at a sex club. Choosing an outfit, doing my makeup and hair helps calm and ground me. I use it as a form of self-care, and it lets me feel confident, connected, and sexy.

I wear what makes me feel the most sexy. Do you know what makes you feel sexy? Think about fabrics, colors and shapes. When I arrive, I like something tight but not too revealing. Underneath, I want something that really calls attention to me.

A unique piece of clothing, jewelry, or lingerie can also be a great conversation starter. Some of my favorite lingerie shops (most also have great bathing suits, by the way): Agent Provocateur, Coco de Mer, I.D. Sarrieri, and Fleur of England. For jewelry or body art, anything can be made sexy in my mind, but if you need specific ideas, Etsy has some great kinky ones.

Going to a sex club takes some level of confidence. You want to feel good while you're there.

Reconfirming boundaries before you leave

Reconfirm your boundaries with the person or people you're going with before the night begins. You already talked through the evening's sexpectations, but it's always good to check in right before you leave.

Check that everyone's in the right headspace, too. Maybe you're feeling a little anxious, or your partner is freaking out. Leave some time before you head out the door to check in on feelings, needs, or special requests.

One thing I suggest to every couple: agree on two signals before you leave home. One means "let's slow down." The other means "I want to leave now." When either of you uses the second one, you go. No debate, no blame, and you talk about it tomorrow.

Getting comfortable before heading out

A small pre-game, solo or with your partner(s), can help you relax. Put on music that makes you feel good, have a snack, or do whatever helps you settle.

Nourish yourself, but be mindful not to eat anything too heavy or drink too much. That could really ruin your evening, and drinking a lot also makes it harder to know what you want and to read what others want. You're hopefully going to be taking your clothes off soon.

Checking in

When you check in, a host will most likely go over the club's rules. Listen, even if you did your research; you might have missed something.

Depending on the club, they might give you a wristband and a key for a locker. Lockers are especially common at sex saunas (much less common in the US, but a great way to relax, and best of all, everyone's already naked).

Tour the facilities

When I first get to a sex club, I do a quick personal tour to check out the lay of the land. Getting to know the building gives you confidence. You'll see all the rooms and how crowded the space is.

Some clubs are quite large, like the Kit Kat Club in Berlin. Knowing the layout matters in case you want or need to change rooms quickly, or need to find the essentials, like condoms or the toilet.

Flirting

Many clubs have an "ask once" policy: you can approach a person or group once. If they say no, or don't invite you to join them, let them be. Don't keep approaching or trying to make contact. If you do, you may be asked to leave, and you should be.

That said, a good number of people are open to talking, flirting, and maybe playing if the connection is right. Be as respectful as possible, and as charming as you would be on a date.

Remember: being at a sex club still requires some effort, so bring your A game.

Making the move

If the connection is right, it's time to make the move. "Would you like to sit down with me?" or "Would you like to join us?" are perfect openings.

Always ask your potential new play partner(s) what they're open to before you start playing. If you haven't started this practice yet, now's the perfect time. Most people at these venues have boundaries of their own, and knowing them upfront will help everyone relax and enjoy themselves more fully.

Consent, all night long

Check in with yourself and your partner(s) throughout the evening. Sex clubs open the door to many new experiences, and you, or someone you came with, might feel uncomfortable at some point. That's information, not failure.

Remember: consent is freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. A yes to one thing is not a yes to everything. Anyone can change their mind at any point, including someone who said yes ten minutes ago. Silence or hesitation is not a yes.

A check-in can be as simple as: "Still good? Want to keep going, slow down, or take a break?" Then honor whatever answer you get.

A note on my Paris sessions

For a while I offered "Before and After" coaching sessions for couples visiting sex clubs in Paris. I no longer offer them, but you can read how they worked.

Trust, play, intimacy

An evening like this isn't just about sex, orgasms, and delectable flesh (although it is a lot about that). It's about trusting each other on a deeper, more intimate level. You're gathering souvenirs: memories to share and fantasize about long after the night is over.

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.