To Flirt or to Fuck?

On flirting, desire, and knowing what you want.

When I was asked to present at the event Master the F Word: Flirting, my first thought was, "What do I actually do when I flirt with someone?" The answer was simple: I imagine myself fucking them.

From this idea, I ran an exercise with the group. Participants talked to the person in front of them while imagining that they were coming from a place of wanting to fuck them. Just imagining, inside their own heads; the energy changes, and nobody has to act on anything. People seemed to really like the exercise, which was great. But one young woman asked an interesting question that I think is worth elaborating on.

What I believe I heard her ask was, "What do you do if the guy you're talking to only wants to fuck you, and you can tell he wants nothing else?" Truth be told, I was caught off guard and couldn't answer in the moment. But after further reflection, here's what I would do.

The first thing I do when I meet someone new, say a potential lover, is check in with myself about what I want. Do I want to know this person more? Do they seem interesting to me? Am I attracted to them? What does my body want? Does it already feel like I want more from them than they have the emotional capacity for?

If I'm unclear about any of that, I usually just ask myself: am I still having fun talking with them? If the answer is no, I excuse myself. Not in a rude way. I just head to the bathroom, the bar, another person, the door. If you know someone is not right for your life, move yourself away from them and toward people and situations where the interest is mutual.

A teacher once said to me, "I only spend time with people who light up when I walk into the room." It inspired me, and it has stuck with me. Lovers, serious or not, ought to be the same. Whatever the level of commitment, if someone is unable or unwilling to give you what you need, they need to take a hike, or you need to take yourself on that hike, away from them.

There was a second part to her question: what to do when it seems like men consistently ONLY want no-strings-attached sex. I know (because they come to see me every day) that there are many amazing men who want a committed, emotional, intimate relationship that includes hot, amazing, tear-your-clothes-off-when-you-walk-in-the-door sex. So the issue isn't necessarily that these men aren't out there or interested.

If I found myself in the same situation over and over again, my first move would probably be to change the places I hang out. If that didn't seem to help, I'd take some time with myself, and maybe ask friends I trust, to get curious about what I'm saying yes to and what I'm signaling I want. Not to blame myself for anyone else's choices; just to get clearer about my own.

When dating or flirting, I follow one idea: what do I want? I constantly ask myself, "Do I want to do this or not?" If the answer is yes, I go for it, and I make myself vulnerable and open to the ever-present possibility of rejection. And if the other person's answer is no, that's their answer. Yes, I get rejected. With this stance on dating, putting yourself out there, everyone gets rejected. I try to act from my true desires and my real self. Even getting rejected here and there, something inside me comes alive when I let myself fully show up.

So, to the beautiful woman who asked how I handle those situations: there is no magic solution. You have to ask yourself what it is you truly want. What I want, or what anyone else wants, isn't what matters. It's about you. Owning yourself, owning your heart and your desires, and making room for the ones who light up when you walk into the room.

Try it the next time you're out: before you say yes to another drink or another hour, ask yourself, "Am I still having fun? Do I want more of this person?" Then let your answer guide you.

– Keeley

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.