When Self-Reliance Makes It Hard to Let Someone In

Many of us are brought up to believe that self-reliance is one of the most important qualities to cultivate. And it is.

But there's a flip side. Too much self-reliance can work against you, getting in the way of personal growth and of bonding, in short-term and long-term relationships alike.

As a sex and relationship coach, I see many people who struggle with the belief that they can only depend on themselves.

In the Hakomi Method, a body-centered approach to psychotherapy that I studied, there is a character strategy called "Self-Reliant." A character strategy describes a way of being in the world that has shaped who we are and how we see things.

The painted window

Imagine that when you are young, you are looking out of a window: the window of life. It's the lens through which you see the whole world.

All of a sudden, the left side of the window gets painted blue. Everywhere you look on that side, everything has a blue tint, so you conclude that the world to the left is blue. That's just how it is. It has been that way for as long as you can remember, and you accept the world as such.

Then someone else comes along and says, "Actually, the right side of the window is yellow, and I've never heard of the left being blue."

Our experiences shape the colors we see the world in.

How the self-reliant belief forms

Often our windows get painted when we are very young. In psychotherapy, this paint is called our core beliefs.

In Hakomi, a person with the Self-Reliant strategy holds core beliefs formed by experiences where they learned they could not count on others to respond to their needs.

Rob Fisher describes this strategy in his book Experiential Psychotherapy with Couples: A Guide for the Creative Pragmatist. In his words, these individuals "are organized to handle everything on their own." He goes on to describe how, because depending on others has brought them loss and disappointment, they won't admit to needing much, and that reluctance to show need and vulnerability shrinks the possibility of connection. They are often angry at their partners for not supporting them, and they cover that anger by looking independent.

Essentially, the core belief of a Self-Reliant is: "If I need something, I have to do it myself, because asking doesn't work."

They live by the rule "I get my own glass of milk from the fridge," and our culture often rewards that. You'll hear people say, "Oh, little Billy is so independent, isn't that great?"

There is a time in childhood when children naturally move toward independence. But when that pull comes from not getting their needs met, it can harden into a core belief.

Children are very smart. If no one is going to help them, they figure out another way. It's really quite remarkable when you think about it. But children need to know that their needs matter, and that they can ask for and receive support.

What it looks like in a relationship

People with a Self-Reliant strategy often have a hard time opening up, connecting, or relying on a partner. They believe they're alone and have to do it all themselves.

They also tend to end up resentful. They take everything on as theirs to do, because no one else is going to do it or even meet them halfway. Inside, they're often angry with their partners for not supporting them, and they cover that anger by projecting independence.

Here's the paradox: even while they feel deeply disappointed, they often fear that if they accept support, they will unravel or come apart.

When it comes to sex, feeling alone and disconnected, and fearing you'll come apart if you let someone support you, doesn't lead to blissful experiences. You have one person holding back, shut down, and pushing the other away.

You can see how this strategy leaves people disconnected from themselves and from their partners.

Not believing that others can hold space for you and support you is part of a scarcity mindset: the belief that good things don't last or will be taken away, that opportunities like sex are scarce and hard to come by.

The first step is to explore those underlying beliefs: what you believe others can offer you, and how you keep yourself from letting them in or relying on them.

It's not only men

I see this strategy in many of the men I work with, because in many ways our society encourages men to be self-reliant. But plenty of women live by it too.

One of my friends, for example, lost a close family member when she was young, someone she relied on heavily for love and support. She decided she would rather be alone than risk losing someone else she cared about.

She has a heart of gold and is a great friend, but she still keeps people at a distance. Romantically, she's not interested in the guys who show interest in her, and she thinks she can't get the ones she is interested in. She also dresses down in a way that helps her avoid being noticed, which keeps her from getting close to anyone and from facing the fear that comes with it. She relies only on herself to meet her needs.

Awareness is the first shift

It's nearly impossible to get out and stay out of our strategies for good. But when we start to see them and how they run our lives, that awareness alone gives us room to try other ways of being.

With the self-reliant strategy, seeing how it creates resentment while running (and ruining) a relationship can bring about a big shift in connection. On the other side of this belief is less resentment, and more connection, intimacy, and love.

Three steps to try

Here are three steps to better understand your needs so you can let more connection into your relationships.

1. Explore. Out loud with a friend or lover, or on paper, look at what you believe others can offer you. Notice how you keep yourself from letting others in or relying on anyone. Be as non-judgmental as you can. Berating yourself won't help you grow.

2. Know your needs. Self-Reliants often have a hard time figuring out what they need. When you wake up in the morning, spend 10 to 15 minutes looking at your needs. Write them down as they come to you, under three headings: physical, mental, and spiritual. Then think about which areas would benefit from letting others in.

3. Take action. Notice the moments when you hold back from asking for something. That's where resentment starts to build. A very common Self-Reliant habit is to just do things as if they were a job, a task assigned at work. Instead, take the opportunity to reach out. Start small:

• Get input on something unfinished: "What do you think I could do to make this presentation better?"
• Share a chore: "Can you hold the ladder while I fix this?"
• Acknowledge out loud when someone meets a need: "I love it when you do that."

Then build your way up to larger needs.

And one more, maybe the hardest: the next time someone offers to help, say "Yes, thank you," and stop there. No "I could have done it myself." Just let it land.

– Keeley

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