When You Want More Sex Than Your Partner

"I want more sex than they do."

I hear this all the time. It's one of the most common reasons couples come to see me, and it's a conversation I have with plenty of my friends, too.

In sitting with many couples, I've noticed it's extremely rare for two people to want the same amount of sex across the whole life of a relationship. Mismatched desire is normal. It usually shows up in two ways: how often, and when.

One of you might want sex every day; the other, once a week. One of you loves morning sex; the other is only interested at night.

A lot of people avoid the conversation entirely because they're afraid of where it will go. I can tell you from experience: avoiding it doesn't make it go away. It builds resentment instead.

Nobody here is the problem

Let's get this straight first. The partner who wants less sex is not the problem to be fixed. Neither is the partner who wants more.

The gap is the thing you're working on, together. The moment one of you becomes "the problem," the other becomes "the pressure," and pressure is one of the fastest ways to shut desire down.

Get clear with yourself first

Before you talk to your partner, ask yourself what you're actually wanting when you want more sex.

Is it closeness? Release? Feeling desired? Play? Reassurance that you're still okay as a couple? Each of those has a different answer, and some of them may not need sex at all.

How to start the conversation

Pick a calm moment. Not in bed right after one of you has said no.

You could try:

"I've been missing you physically, and I'd like to talk about it without it turning into a fight. Can I tell you what I've been feeling, and then hear what's true for you?"

Then listen. Really listen. You never know: they may want more closeness too. Or you may find out they need something different from the sex you've been having. Maybe they want you to be more assertive, more verbal or more tender. Maybe they've been fantasizing about sex somewhere other than the bed and are bored with the routine.

Be as honest, open and kind as you can about your own needs, too. Your partner can't know what you need if you haven't told them.

Ask what would make sex appealing to them

"Why don't you want me?" puts your partner on trial. Try this instead:

"What would make sex something you'd look forward to?"

The answer can be eye-opening. Maybe your partner has been too shy to say they want more dirty talk, more loving affirmations, or slow touch all over the body. Maybe what would help most is more help around the house, or more understanding about how much their job is taking out of them.

Gary Chapman's classic book The Five Love Languages describes five main ways people feel loved. If you haven't come across it, it's a useful starting point for this conversation.

In my work, I often see that for the lower-desire partner, wanting shows up after things get started, not before. That's why what happens before sex matters so much.

Their no is a real no

Working on the gap is about finding things you both actually want. It is not about one person giving in.

Sex that someone agrees to just to make the pressure stop tends to make the next yes harder to find. A no to sex tonight is not a no to you, and either of you can change your mind at any point, including halfway through.

So when the answer is no, ask what else might be welcome: "Not sex tonight. Would you like to cuddle for a bit instead?" And remember that masturbation is always yours to enjoy. It takes pressure off both of you.

Look at it as a team

Once you've had the first conversation, try to look at the situation as partners, not opponents. Where can you flex? Where can they? Is there a rhythm, or a time of day, that works better for both of you?

Then talk about it, and talk about it some more. This isn't a one-conversation fix. It's an ongoing check-in.

Be flexible, and expect change

Our bodies change over time, and our sexual needs shift with them. Be flexible about what you believe your needs are.

If you try something and it doesn't spark anything, no need to be discouraged. Try something else. Being able to make mistakes and laugh about them is a big part of keeping a long-term sexual connection going. Sex is meant to be fun.

If desire drops suddenly, or sex has started to hurt, or erections have changed, see a doctor to rule out a medical cause.

The bottom line: when you ask for what you want, and really listen to what your partner wants, you are much more likely to build a sex life you both enjoy.

If you keep having the same conversation and landing in the same place, that's what couples sessions are for. Learn how I work with couples.