Delaying Ejaculation: Pleasure, Pressure, and What You Want

Someone recently wrote in with a question:

"What are your thoughts on male orgasm and Eastern or tantric practices that advise against physical orgasm (but might favor energetic orgasm)? I'm curious how holding back on orgasm affects the male body and psyche. I've always been a guy who ejaculates frequently, but I'm thinking about shifting that, and finding it difficult."

It's funny you asked. I was just talking with a client, a Tibetan Buddhist, who has been exploring what orgasm means for him and the idea of lasting longer and withholding ejaculation.

What I mean by orgasm

I prefer facts and things that are tangible and measurable. So I define orgasm as the involuntary muscle contractions of the pelvic floor.

In the tantra world, the movement of pleasurable energy through the body is also considered an orgasm. That's a different, spiritual frame, and it's worth knowing which one you're talking about.

Orgasm without ejaculation: what to know

Men can have an orgasm without ejaculating, but it's uncommon.

Some techniques for holding back, like pressing on the area between the scrotum and anus at the moment of orgasm, can send semen backward into the bladder instead of out. That's called retrograde ejaculation, and the semen leaves later when you pee. If you notice pain, or you're often not ejaculating when you don't intend to, talk to a doctor.

That's part of why I often steer men away from these practices. It's more important to learn how to hold erotic energy in your body than to worry about how many orgasms you have.

When you can focus on the sensations of pleasure and let them become more expansive, the orgasm has more pleasure built up behind it. That means more intensity when it comes.

What doctors and the Taoists say

On the health side, a large study that followed about 32,000 men for 18 years found that men who ejaculated more often were less likely to be diagnosed with prostate cancer. That's a link, not proof, but it's encouraging.

I also notice that people seem more balanced when they regularly move fully through a sexual experience. I know I feel more balanced.

Taoist practice is where most of the talk about non-ejaculation comes from. The idea, roughly, is that a man who keeps his ejaculation to a minimum and retains his semen will be stronger and clearer-minded. That's a spiritual philosophy, not a medical finding.

I can understand the intention behind it. I also imagine that making it a consistent way of life takes a committed spiritual practice.

If you want to try withholding

Set an intention around non-ejaculation as a spiritual goal. Think of it like a cleanse: something you do to realign with whatever you need to realign with.

Pick an amount of time that feels reasonable, maybe one or two weeks. Be completely clear with yourself about what you hope to deepen into and get out of the experiment.

I don't recommend this long-term. In my experience, men can give themselves a real complex about it and end up having trouble finishing when they want to (delayed ejaculation), which isn't easy to undo.

Play with your arousal curve instead

There are all sorts of ways to play with arousal without withholding.

When men go up the arousal curve, they often go straight from 1 to 10 with very little flexibility.

In my experience, many women move up and down much more: up to a 7, down to a 4, up to an 8, down to a 5, then a 4, up to a 6, then 9, 10, back to 6, then 8, then 5. You get the point.

I believe two things explain the difference:

1. Many women can have more than one orgasm, so their orgasm doesn't have to end sex.
2. Men feel so much pressure to get hard and stay hard that they don't give themselves room to move up and down. Going down the curve feels scary. But it's normal for arousal to come and go, even when you're really turned on.

Most men also go straight up, ejaculate, and drop right back to a 1 or 2. That's a big drop in energy very quickly. It can feel "bad," especially when guilt or shame about orgasm is involved, and it can have a lot to do with how you're getting to orgasm.

Learning to embody erotic energy, hold it, and deepen into it gives you a completely different experience in your body.

Sometimes I suggest that men who finish earlier than they want try not ejaculating for a week, or every other time they're erotic. The rush for instant gratification can pull you out of the present moment, and being present is the most important part of finding more pleasure. Coming back to it, of course, is always your choice.

Try this: next time you masturbate, let yourself climb to a 6 or 7, then slow down and drift back to a 4 or 5 on purpose. Do that a few times before you decide whether to finish. Notice what changes.

Where I land

Focus less on the idea of not ejaculating and more on how you relate to your erotic energy. When you feel fully connected to it, can you simply be with it?

I like the image of welcoming the erotic energy in your body the way you'd greet a dinner guest you invited. Let them in. Let them get comfortable. Catch up since you last saw each other. Then enjoy the main course and dessert. There's no need to rush.

If finishing sooner than you want has become a worry, my PE Mastery video course takes you through the full practice, step by step and at your own pace.