10 Relationship Needs Worth Talking About

"It just wasn't right." I hear that all the time about relationships that ended. When I ask what "it" was, most people can't say.

Often, "it" was a need that went unmet, sometimes for years, and never got named. If you don't know what you need, you can't ask for it. And if you don't know what your partner needs, you can't give it.

Needs vs wants

A need is something you can't do without for long and still feel okay in the relationship. A want is something you'd love but could live without, as long as your needs are met.

Respect is a need. Being with someone who doesn't respect you wears you down, however good everything else is. Frequent date nights are usually a want. What you're really after may be closeness and desire, and those can be fed in other ways: being more present when you're together, more physical affection, more attention.

If you're not sure which is which, ask yourself:

• Do I want this because I'm comparing us to other couples?
• What would actually happen if this never came?
• Would most people call this part of a basic, healthy relationship?

Safety comes first

There's a well-known idea in psychology, Maslow's hierarchy, that people need their most basic needs met before they can focus on anything higher. Relationships work the same way. If you don't feel safe with your partner, there's no room for playfulness or humor. Safety has to come first.

The ten needs I see most often

As you read, think about your partner too. Which of these lights up for them?

1. Trust and security. Physical safety, and emotional safety: knowing your partner won't judge you, cheat on you, or work against you. When it's missing, you see jealousy, checking up, and constant low-level stress.

What it can sound like: Beth tells Jack, "When you go out after your shift and don't text back, I feel insecure. I'm not accusing you of anything. Could you send a quick text about your plans?"

2. Mutual respect. Your partner values your opinion, trusts your judgment, doesn't talk down to you, speaks well of you to others, and respects your time and limits.

Try: "When you say that, I feel disrespected. Is that how you meant it?" Their answer tells you a lot.

3. Acceptance. Being loved as you are, not "I'll love you more when you change." Looks, hobbies, and quirks deserve acceptance. Behavior that hurts you or them, like a hot temper or drinking that costs someone a job, is a fair thing to raise.

4. Intimacy and affection. Physical touch, sexual and not, and emotional closeness: sharing feelings, hopes, and fears. Without both, couples drift into roommate mode. If this one is missing for you, my post on fear of intimacy may help.

5. Empathy. Your partner tries to understand how you feel, even when they can't relate. When it's missing, people stop sharing. Concrete examples help: "When I told you your friends were dismissive with me, I needed you to take my side, even if you didn't see it."

6. Novelty. Some uncertainty keeps attraction alive. A little mystery, a little newness. Without it, routine sets in. Learning something new together, like a cooking class or dance lessons, brings some of that spark back.

7. Autonomy. Each of you having your own friends, interests, and time. Too much togetherness can feel smothering. Lisa, for example, realized she'd lost track of herself and started walking with a coworker after work and volunteering once a week. She came home with more to give.

8. Humor and play. Laughing together relieves stress and helps you recover after conflict. If your senses of humor differ, take turns: watch something goofy one night and something dark the next.

9. Communication. Feeling listened to, understood, and safe to speak. The usual culprits when it breaks down: assuming you know what they feel, defensiveness, brushing things off, sarcasm, and refusing to apologize.

10. Being a priority. Not always first, but first sometimes. Josie said it well when Jack canceled dinner with her parents for a last-minute plan with friends: "Sometimes I feel like your last priority. I know you love them, but this was important to me."

A needs conversation to try together

If your partner is up for it, here's a simple way to start.

1. Rank on your own. Each of you reads the ten needs above and picks your top three, privately. Write them down.
2. Share just one. Take turns sharing one need from your list and a moment when you felt it was met. "Being a priority. I felt it last month when you turned down drinks to stay home with me after my bad day."
3. Listen, don't fix. The other person's only job is to say, "Thank you for telling me." No debate.
4. Stop there. One need each is plenty for a first round. Come back to the rest another time.

You'll probably find your top three don't match. That's normal, and it's useful.

Your partner can't meet every need

It's unrealistic to expect one person to meet all your needs all the time. There'll be seasons when one of you has very little to give.

Friends, hobbies, and community can meet some needs. Emily loves talking about books and Jake doesn't, so she joined a book club. That's healthy. Where it gets risky is secrecy: meeting needs for emotional or sexual intimacy outside the relationship in ways your partner doesn't know about or hasn't agreed to.

You can also learn to meet some needs yourself. Knowing how to settle your own stress means your partner isn't your only source of calm.

You're responsible for saying it

No one can read your mind. Be specific, and speak from your side.

• Instead of "You never put me first," try "I've been feeling a bit neglected lately. It matters to me that we both feel important to each other."
• Instead of "You're smothering me," try "I love our time together, and I miss our friends. Can we each see someone this week?"

Needs change as you change. Check in again in a few months.

If you'd like more on how to ask, I've written about asking for what you want in relationships. And if the same fight keeps coming back, my post on relationship dynamics may show you the loop you're in.

If you keep having the same conversation and landing in the same place, that's what couples sessions are for. Learn how I work with couples.