Sexless Relationship? When You Start Feeling Like Roommates

The term "sexless marriage" gets a lot of attention, but relationships are often "touchless" long before anyone calls them sexless.

When I first wrote this, I'd just watched the movie Le Week-End (2013), about a British couple who return to Paris after 30 years of marriage to re-create their honeymoon. It's quirky, and it shows the awkwardness of a touchless, sexless marriage very clearly. It reminded me that relationships are often touchless long before they are sexless.

A sexless marriage or relationship is one with minimal or no sexual activity between the partners. In one large US study, researchers counted a marriage as sexually inactive if the couple hadn't had sex in the month before they were asked. "Touchless" doesn't have a formal definition, so here's mine: no meaningful touch, affection or physical intimacy between partners beyond casual greetings.

Some couples who aren't managing to make sexytime happen still touch each other throughout the day and cuddle at night. But in my experience, most sexless relationships are missing this kind of touch too. It's very common to get so busy with work, school, kids, blogs and all the running around that we overlook our partners and go whole days without physical contact.

Why touch matters so much

Touch is an incredibly important need for human beings. When a baby is born, we touch, hold and caress them. In Harry Harlow's classic experiments, infant monkeys went to a soft cloth "mother" for comfort over a wire one that gave them food. A baby can't fully regulate its own body and emotions yet; it relies on a caregiver to help it settle.

As children grow older, they often receive less and less touch. We live in a fear-based culture, and the fear of inappropriate touch is high.

Fast forward into intimate relationships, and we often have two people who are touch-deprived (possibly from early childhood) and most likely sex-starved.

How to begin bridging the gap

The first place to look is your own relationship with touch. What are your expectations? Does touch always have to lead to something sexual, or can you touch your partner just because it feels good? Can you receive touch from your partner without feeling that something sexual must happen because they touched you?

Often, couples stop touching because they've attached an expectation to touch, or because touch has become a predictable route to the same place. One kind of touch means this; another means that. It feels good to give and to receive. Could you let touch simply be an expression of pleasure in that moment?

Maybe you don't touch your partner because you sense they don't like the way you touch. This is common, especially when touch has carried the message that something "must come" from it (pun intended).

In this case, I recommend slowing yourself down. Take some deep breaths. Take more deep breaths when you're with your partner, and feel your hand attached to your arm, attached to your body. Notice your partner's body. Really look at it and see it. Notice where you want to touch them.

Hint: if you only want to touch their genitals, that won't get you the response you're looking for. It's great that you want to touch the really sexy places, but see if you can find other places on the body that are also appealing. Try the neck, a wrist, the swell of the back, shoulders, thighs. As you reach out, stay connected to your breath and your hands. Feel your partner under your hands, even if only for a second or two. Pay attention to how they respond, and if they pull away, let that be okay. Gradually build up to touching a few times a day, or to longer caresses.

If you've been in a touchless relationship for a while, don't set your expectations too high. You might need to keep reaching out this new way for a few weeks, or longer, before your partner relaxes enough to show interest back.

A client came to see me because he and his wife hardly ever had sex: only on holidays and birthdays. He wanted to feel closer to her, but every time he went to touch her, she pulled away. We worked on getting him to slow down, breathe, and touch for his own pleasure, simply because he wanted the connection. After a few weeks of making loving contact when he wanted to, without it having to mean something or lead somewhere, she opened up and wanted sex (at home, and without a birthday attached). He was shocked. I was very happy for him. He was learning how to create an experience for her beyond the act of sex itself.

Not every couple moves that quickly, and some need more support than a blog post can give. But this is where I'd start.

A first step: touch with nothing attached

If your partner is willing, try this. Ask first, and take their answer as it is.

Agree ahead of time that sex is off the table for this practice. Set a timer for ten minutes. One of you gives touch (hands, arms, back, feet, face) while the other simply receives and says "more of that," "lighter" or "stop" whenever they want. Then swap, or stop there. Either of you can end it at any point.

The point isn't to get anywhere. It's to remember that touch can be pleasure on its own.

If your partner isn't up for it right now, that's their answer to respect. You can still start with your own relationship to touch.

What if you don't like the way your partner touches you?

Tell them. Tell them as soon as possible. Life is too short to go without pleasurable touch. You deserve to be touched the way you desire, and your desires need to be front and center in your relationship, especially if you want sexual energy to grow.

Here's how the conversation could start:

"Hey babe, when you touch me like that, I feel like you're just trying to have sex with me and you're not interested in just being with me. It makes me shut down and want to pull away. I want to be sexual with you; I think my body needs more time to warm up. Could we set aside some time this week so I can give you feedback about touch and what my body responds to?"

Or: "Honey, I've noticed we hardly touch these days, and I miss how connected I used to feel with you. I've been thinking about touch a lot lately, and I realized I've never shown you how I like (or how much I like) to be touched. I'd love to show you next time we're together and alone."

Being touched, held and caressed is a basic human need. It isn't gender-specific; it spans all genders and ages. The type of touch changes with the relationship, but touch itself is crucial to being here on this planet. In intimate relationships, we often rely on our partners for most of our touch.

It might be interesting to ask your partner whether you touch them often enough, or with the right pressure or speed. We can always do more to create pleasurable experiences for our partners.

Happy touching,
– Keeley

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